Request? Genuinely declined
by Yitz99
Summary: Yukinoshita's heartfelt request, Yuigahama's sudden challenge, Hikigaya's decision. As his two friends (or acquaintances) pour out their hearts' contents, their true and genuine natures are revealed. Is Hikigaya Hachiman to accept it? Is this the genuine thing he wanted? Is Hikigaya Hachiman genuine at all? Will his teen romantic comedy continue to be wrong, as expected?
1. Chapter 1

"I want my friends, to have happiness."

Yukinoshita said gingerly, but the look in her eyes did not betray her words as they were filled with sincerity. Her deep, cerulean eyes looked clear, pure and absolutely breathtaking.

But what could she have meant? Both Yuigahama and Yukinoshita have stated their requests, but I couldn't understand them by the slightest bit as they were as vague as can be. But who am I to say? There is no beginners' guide to the _Genuine Thing_ either. But I digress.

Requests: Yuigahama; to take it all for herself, Yukinoshita; to want her friends to be happy. What were the true implications behind each of them?

Yuigahama's request, viewed generally, could mean that she want to take everything she loves, for herself, namely ousting Yukinoshita for me, as pretentious as it sounds. Conversely, she could also have meant that she wants _everything_ , with everything being our current stagnation as a trio. Not moving forwards, nor backwards; staying in our comfort zones of a never ending loop, alike the Ferris Wheel before us. As much as I dislike it, as it is a facade and sham, I knew proceeding beyond this point, would undoubtedly cause casualties, leave marks, and effectively hurt us, be it me, Yukinoshita or Yuigahama. And honestly speaking, I don't want to hurt either of them, as they are very dear to me; with Yuigahama always being nice and a cute airhead to me, while Yukinoshita, albeit not as gentle or ideal, has a very special place in my life too.

In short, I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want a stagnation either.

Once again, I, Hikigaya Hachiman, am forced to make a choice: Genuine thing, or precious friends' feelings?

But I already knew the answer to that question. I answered it ages ago.

 _I want something genuine._

Flashbacks fill my head, and once again strengthens my resolve.

That's right, the genuine thing is the way to go, even if they get hurt and heartbroken. To love and care for someone, is to be ready and know that I'll hurt them with or without involving them. Wise words of Hiratsuka sensei, the beauty with monstrous strength that betrays her appearance. Sorry to have to describe you in such a way in my monologues, sensei, but these are your two attributes that I hate and love at the same time.

Again, I reiterate, genuine thing all the way, although it hurts. It's better to writhe, struggle, agonize in the genuine thing than to enjoy and wry in a superficial existence.

So then, Yukinoshita's request on the other hand; what can I deduce from it?

Friends' happiness? Being the unattainable flower she is, Yukinoshita's only friends are Yuigahama and me (Although she had rejected my proposal of friendship twice, it's safe to say that I'm at least near the 'friend' status).

And to grant our happiness? I guess our requests would be a sufficient reference. On my end, my genuine thing; for Yukinoshita to grant it to me is near impossible, as many doubt it exists, let alone pinpointing such an object, be it abstract or concrete. On Yuigahama's end, in order to fulfill her friend's desires, Yukinoshita will have to surrender from our current love triangle situation (Yes, I know it sounds arrogant and downright stupid, but it's true. I, an antisocial loner who condemns society with all my heart, managed to assemble a harem, or at least a threesome, although that makes me sound like a self-conceited pervert).

And knowing Yukinoshita, she will probably…

"And that's why," Yukinoshita said as she grabbed one of my hands and another from Yuigahama, effectively snapping me out of my rigorous train of thought, bringing me back to reality. "I won't stand in your way, to Hikigaya-kun's heart."

Yukinoshita clasped Yuigahama's right hand together with my left hand firmly in her own grip.

I could feel Yukinoshita's hands shaking, she was hurt, undoubtedly…I could somehow tell. Her eyes were not visible to me at that time, as her bangs shrouded them, but a trail of tears was seen on her cheek, down to her pink, soft lips, which were curved upwards into a smile, a bittersweet smile.

It felt like a recreation of our photo taken at Destinyland. Except for the fact that Yuigahama and Yukinoshita exchanged places.

This time, the person in the middle didn't smile happily. But instead, Yukinoshita still smiled, a sorrowful smile, accompanied by streams of tears.

For some odd reason, I felt hurt too, at such a sight.

.

.

.

Everything felt wrong, as expected.


	2. Chapter 2

Startled.

Was the word that came to mind.

Not frightened; as it didn't catch me off guard, not shocked; as it didn't surprise me either. In fact, one could say it was 'as expected'.

But nonetheless, I just didn't know how to react to a situation as such.

After all, I was the one that was usually rejected. To have girls confessing to me at all, was a brand new experience. Let alone one sacrificing herself for another girl to get close to me. Though one can hardly call this a refreshing sight, let alone a privilege.

As a matter of fact, it hurts me.

I saw this coming, but I was still unprepared and hence, lost.

 _Yuigahama was supposed to be the nice girl._

 _Yukinoshita was supposed to be the strong girl._

Those were the expectations that I had placed onto them as I pleased.

It's a heinous crime, a despicable act. And yet I've committed it, once again.

I curse, hate and despise myself now, as I'm such a hypocrite.

I feel like scum. I feel foolish. I feel wrong.

I feel…

Fake, the very opposite of genuine.

The labels I had placed on both of them, couldn't have been any further from the truth. I see it clearly now.

Right now, Yuigahama was anything but nice. She was, as she said so herself, playing dirty. Playing on Yukinoshita's feelings, her soft spot for Yuigahama and love for me. Yukinoshita is too nice, too soft to refuse her best friend's demands.

Yukinoshita is in two minds, torn. Torn by Yuigahama, the one friend she thought she could trust. How ironic.

Yukinoshita, contrary to my prior beliefs, was the polar opposite of strong. She stood before me now, teary eyed, barely resisting herself from breaking down in her sorrows. She'll live to regret this decision. Yukinoshita, who has snow white skin (quite befitting of her name) and icy blue eyes, dubbed as an ice princess, showed weakness and could not stand up for her own desires and instead submits to her friend.

But really, can she still consider Yuigahama a friend?

Friend or foe, regardless. This is the hefty price to pay on our pursuit in search of the genuine thing.

A teary face and broken heart from Yukinoshita, a broken friendship from Yuigahama, and lastly, a decision from me.

Before this, I've always been considered to be vile, evil and cold-hearted by others, but that never stopped me from loving myself. However unorthodox and hate inviting my methods seem, they always delivered the intended results, at the expense of my dignity and feelings. But I can withstand it, endure it. It's my everyday world, after all. I've never for a moment ceased being selfless.

But now, I have burdened Yukinoshita and Yuigahama with my request for the genuine thing, whereas I am seemingly carrying the lightest weight, the easiest task.

I had falsely perceived myself to be selfless.

But again, I was wrong.

The genuine me, is selfish.

I'm the worst.

Why do Yukinoshita and Yuigahama like me anyway?

Yukinoshita was a weak girl, while Yuigahama was a mean girl.

So, that's it? It's because they're trash? Just like me? That can't be right…

"Thank you… Yukinoshita." Yuigahama uttered slowly, after recovering from a shocked expression. No Yukinon, no asking if it was truly alright, no stuttering and full formalities. Perhaps this is a sign, a foreword to the end of their friendship.

How unfortunate, Yukinoshita will be all alone after this. Back to normal, back to being the untouchable being. Does she want that? She lived most of her live like that anyway, she'll be fine.

Somehow, I think I'm lying right through my teeth, with my eyes open.

Despite Yuigahama's best attempts to sound dominant over Yukinoshita, there was still a hint of emotion in her voice. A pinch of regret, a tad of uncertainty.

These circumstances are making all of us double-think and second guess our decisions. But words can't be taken back, life cannot rewind like a video game, even if you apologize or make amends.

What we do today, will stay with us, forever and ever in our lives.

Slowly, Yukinoshita lets go of her grip, revealing Yuigahama and I's hands tightly embracing one another, fingers intertwined. It felt like the natural thing to do, like a reflex to hold her hand.

But I felt a sense of lost at the same time too.

Yukinoshita gasps a little at this display, undoubtedly hoarding some jealousy. As much as she disliked it, it was her request after all and this is, as far as I know, as expected. Yukinoshita lowers her head, once again concealing her face, before nodding in acknowledgment.

As Yukinoshita turns around to leave, Yuigahama turns to me and says, "Hikki, I like you."

I was stunned. Despite witnessing and computing everything that had happened before me today, I still couldn't come up with a proper countermeasure to moments like this.

But still, Yuigahama, to say it while Yukinoshita is in earshot… Why are you doing this? It's hurting her!

As if on cue, Yukinoshita's footstep sounds in the snow stopped, Yuigahama gasped, a bit surprised at the revelation that she finally confessed to me, and I blushed pink, like Yuigahama's hair colour, as I was flattered. To have anyone confess to me was a miracle and blessing, Yuigahama confessing to me feels like a dream come true. Almost.

It felt like time came to a standstill, stopped and allowed us to savor this moment to the fullest. But is savor the right word? Yukinoshita's heart must have sunk even deeper, hearing the words she already knew being preached from Yuigahama's mouth.

"That's why, Hikki," Yuigahama added, her cheeks sporting a beet red shade. "I wanna know how you feel too."

In the corner of my eye, I could see Yukinoshita hugging her arm and trembling, in anticipation? Jealousy? Fear? I really couldn't tell. Her current emotions, felt like an enigma, that no one could see through.

I swallowed a lump in my throat before preparing to present my answer.

"I like you too, Yuigahama." It felt right to say that, it was the truth after all, I really do like her. But to say it here and now, I do have my reasons for hesitation…

A subtle sob, could be heard, from Yukinoshita's direction, before the noise of footsteps, slowly accelerating, overshadows it. Yukinoshita was running away, averting her eye's from us, while trying her very best to hide her sorrows.

I'm the one who forced her into this world of pain and agony. I'm the one who forced ideals, this broken friendship and genuine thing onto her.

I'm sorry, Yukinoshita.

Was the only thing that I could muster in my head.

Blanking out, Yuigahama lets go of my left hand, then proceeds to adjust her stance, and holds both of my hands. My left in her right, her left in my right.

Yuigahama flashes a smile, a glad one, a triumphant one. Then whispers, "I'm happy, Hikki…"

Friends' happiness huh, Yukinoshita? Did you hear that? She's happy now…

Gingerly, Yuigahama leans forward, while blushing a crimson hue, gradually approaching my face.

Yuigahama's face was only inches away from mine. I could literally taste her breath and smell the aromatic perfume she was wearing. Usually I would complain and say she's going to give boys the wrong idea, but that is exactly her intention here.

Yuigahama closes her eyes, while slightly pouting out her lips. She was expecting something…

This was the cue to kiss and seal the deal, no?

I felt a sensation surge through my entire body, and an urge to lean forward and give Yuigahama what she wants. Damn teenage hormones. She was so close to me, I didn't even need to meet her half way.

Yuigahama's feelings were already at my doorstep. All I had to do was let them in.

These feelings of liking Yuigahama, I really do have them, and they were genuine undoubtedly. But were they enough to warrant a kiss? To enter an intimate relationship? To call it 'Love'?

In the heat of the moment and my last minute monologue, I have made a conclusion and resolved myself.

With a peace of mind, I closed my eyes too, effectively giving in to my desires.

Unexpectedly, I, Hikigaya Hachiman, am a selfish person, who does selfish sins, as expected.


	3. Chapter 3

_Save me someday, okay?_

Were the words resonating in my head, as I came to my decision.

Right now, Yuigahama was being held tightly in my embrace. I was hugging Yuigahama, the cute airhead, the cheeky ditz. My genuine friend, my only friend.

I sigh heavily.

It seemed like a breath of boredom or an expression of frustration. But really, it was a sigh of relief. An exhalation and release of all my accumulated guilt and stress, for my past mistakes; I've always done the wrong and genuine thing or the right and fake thing.

Finally, I think I've done the right and genuine thing.

Hugging Yuigahama, embracing and appreciating her, was the right and genuine thing to do.

But that was all I could do.

Nothing more.

These actions correctly convey my emotions and feelings I harbour for Yuigahama.

I really do like and admire you, Yuigahama. In fact, I envy you. Your privilege to be foolish, to be free. To be happy.

But, to call it 'Love', would be a lie.

My 'Love' for Yuigahama, is not real. Not genuine, and I hate it, nor do I want it.

"Yuigahama… let's just be friends. Best friends, genuine friends." I never thought the day would come where I would reject a girl. At some point in my life, I became so love-starved that I would jump at any girl that showed the slightest bit of affection towards me.

But today, things were different. They were wrong, as expected.

A little gasp escaped Yuigahama's mouth. She was surprised undoubtedly. What I basically did previously was reciprocate her confession, practically accepting her feelings of love towards me.

"I like you, Yuigahama. That's undeniable. But right now, I have more important matters to attend to," A weeping friend to save. "and someone else that I love."

I slowly release Yuigahama from my grasp, unwrapping my arms from her. Then held her firmly before me.

I knew, that this rejection from me, the third time, would definitely be the nail in the coffin for Yuigahama, and send her crying, drown her in sorrows and tears. But nonetheless, I needed to do this. To uphold my resolve, my search for the genuine thing and my feelings for a certain someone else.

Again, I hurt someone else, for my own selfish needs and desires.

This is proof again, that I am a genuinely selfish person.

Yuigahama flutters her eyelashes in quick succession for a few moments. Evidently confused by my mixed reactions and unclear message that I displayed.

Being the airhead she is, Yuigahama slowly, but surely, understood my words.

Rejection.

Was probably the word that flashed in her mind.

Suddenly, the glint in her previously cheerful eyes vanished immediately and so did the gleeful look on her face.

The beautiful scenery before our eyes, disappeared like a dream all too vivid.

My treasured Volunteer Service Club falling apart, shattering into smithereens like glass. The tiny, defunct classroom that housed three fools with flawed ideals and imperfect dreams. The tightly knit friendship, formed between the trio, who have been through thick and thin together, albeit the short time spent together.

Genuine and fake, real and superficial, love and hate, trust and betrayal. We had all of it in there.

The place and the atmosphere that I had grown accustomed to, the people and behaviours that I reminisce fondly upon; will now change and no longer be the same.

Yukinoshita's noblesse oblige, twisted philosophy to interactions, society and life, as well as her feelings which were more sinister than trust towards me, will now be bent out of shape, broken.

Yuigahama's hopes and dreams, love and confessions, erased as quickly as they arose.

Different, severed, cease to exist.

All of the above, a consequence from a selfish man's request.

This side of me, which is selfish, but genuine at the same time, still irks and annoys me.

But since it's genuine, I'll live with it… Right?

A smile, then tears. Lastly, a frantic and futile attempt to hide the pain.

Was the course of action taken by Yuigahama, to cope with my rejection.

"Ah…I understand." Yuigahama says softly between sobs, undeniably heartbroken after properly processing my response. Like a reflex, she raised her arms to wipe off the tears which have been shed with the sleeve of her sweater.

"That's so like Hikki!" Yuigahama continues, smiling and crying at the same time. They definitely weren't tears of joy or ecstasy, they were filled with sadness, loneliness, agony and pain.

Those were genuine tears.

Yuigahama is genuinely broken down, wrecked, and inconsolable on the inside.

Yuigahama's lips donned a smile, but her lips were shaking with insecurity, regret, and perhaps a pinch of despise. Her eyes staining her cheeks with a stream of tears, but still trying to form an eye smile, to maintain her happy disguise.

Yuigahama cannot be true to her emotions and genuine to herself. She cannot afford to show happiness or sadness, no matter how much she was inclined to do so.

Stuck in Limbo, neither heaven nor hell.

That's my fault too.

It really is like me, the genuine Hikigaya Hachiman, to be selfish, to hurt those whom I hold dearest.

"That's what I like about Hikki." Yuigahama continued despite barely holding in her emotions. "Hikki is always honest, caring and helpful. Even now, Hikki is rejecting me, to save the girl Hikki truly loves, like a prince, saving the damsel in distress!"

I was stunned, speechless. I had totally expected Yuigahama to despise me at this point, but she still had nice words for me, praise and motivation to push me forwards.

I felt undeserving, wrong, guilty to have such a friend, who thinks so highly of me, when I was having an emotional haywire and identity dilemma.

People around me, not just Yuigahama, had love and care for me, albeit only seemingly trace amounts, but I hated and buried myself in my negativity.

I had selfishly ruined their efforts to open up to me.

"So, Hikki, fulfill your promise…and save Yukinon, alright?" Yuigahama pleaded, with both a happy and sad look, her feelings of glee and sorrow intertwined like her fingers that were clasped together.

 _Promise me, Hikki! If Yukinon is ever in a pinch, you will save her!_

 _If it's within my capabilities… then I will._

Yuigahama's carefree comment and nostalgic request came flooding into my thoughts.

Even as she is heartbroken, Yuigahama looks out for her club mate and friend. Her genuine friend, her Yukinon.

You truly are a kind, strong and noble soul, Yuigahama.

Genuine or fake, love or hate, Yuigahama, I'm honoured… that you fell in love with me.

And also to be your friend.

Thank you, Yuigahama.

Despite my lack of experience when it comes to human interaction, this bit of formality and nicety to express my gratitude towards Yuigahama felt necessary.

But as they say, old habits die hard. I still couldn't really open myself up to others, and say the words to Yuigahama.

But surely, I futilely hoped, that Yuigahama could read my mind.

 _Expecting people to read your mind is pure fantasy._

I chuckled. Quite unsightly of me, but then again, it was never my intention to be the centre of attention.

With those words of gratitude still stuck inside my throat, I merely nodded and turned around. Slowly walking, following Yukinoshita's foot trails in the snow, hopefully able to catch up to her.

So, Yukinoshita, please don't run away. Don't disappear from my sights yet, I still have something to say to you.

Something genuine. That will sum up my feelings, which have alluded me for all this time.

Please, listen to them carefully. And do not be shocked.

A cold yet warm sensation, gently caressed my cheek, which I rubbed off with my sleeve.

Tears. In this snowy backdrop.

They felt like something nostalgic. Like something I have seen multiple times before, something I have long been awaiting for.

At last, a teary face from me, Hikigaya Hachiman.

.

.

.

The shattered Volunteer Service Club weeps and shares each others' pain, as expected.


	4. Chapter 4

The tiny breeze of winter that I had felt ever since the morning, continued to blow. Gently, slowly, weakly, caressing my skin and bringing about a relaxing and cool vibe.

But now, it felt chilling, cold, freezing. It felt like frostbite, numbing, yet painful.

I felt immense agony, pain and sensed absolute disarray and conflict within my soul. An indescribable sensation of bleeding, wounded and hurt on the inside. An endless void, emptiness, appearing in my chest. A phantom pain.

But still, I couldn't explain why. If anything, I had finally taken steps according to my heart's desires. I had made a giant leap, in the search of the genuine thing.

I had chosen Yukinoshita over Yuigahama.

Then, why does it still hurt?

The background around me shifted, changed. Tension in the air loosened, relaxed. But the atmosphere felt grim, nonetheless.

Originating from a face radiating a smile, a barrage of poorly concealed sobs, broken inhalations, could be heard softly. The source of it, being my genuine friend, Yuigahama.

As I walk further away from Yuigahama, her voice gets softer and nearly becoming inaudible. But somehow, the aura of pain, pity and downright agony that she suffers from, increases exponentially as I distant myself from Yuigahama. And so does this urge within my soul to rush back and comfort her.

Despite not being the one I love, Yuigahama still is a precious friend, a genuine friend to me.

Hence, Yuigahama's pain is shared as mine.

But right now, I share the pain of two people, in which I can only save one.

My footsteps in the the snow come to a halt. A deep breath enters my lungs, a chilling sensation clears my mind from any doubt.

As much as I wanted to succumb to my saviour complex, I can't save everyone. If I did that, I wouldn't be able to save who I truly care about and love most.

And that person, is not Yuigahama.

I let out a heavy sigh, again. It stresses me out, hurts me, and tears me apart, to abandon one for another.

Logically speaking, the line of divide between Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, is extremely vague. If intimacy, ideals and time spent together with each of them where to be quantified and calculated as a system of points, there would be no clear winner between them. Heck, some might even say that Yuigahama is a slightly better companion for me.

But that's the catch.

These feelings in my heart, are illogical, miscalculated and mistaken.

But nonetheless, genuine. And that's all that matters.

At that, I continued walking in this snowy sunset landscape as the snow begins to fall heavier. Occasionally turning my head back to look at Yuigahama, I see her still standing, smiling and crying at the same time.

With the glimmer and warmth of sunset, as well as the Ferris Wheel behind her, Yuigahama seemed like a benevolent goddess, offering the sanctuary of her embrace and stagnation.

But instead of heading towards Yuigahama, I turned the other way, towards the cold which bites the bone, the blizzard which was building up, the disaster which was my human heart. I chose the Ice Princess, the beauty beneath the snow, Yukinoshita. I chose to agonize, writhe, suffer and struggle.

I chose the genuine thing.

With that in mind, I decided to chase it, before it disappears forever, as my walk broke into a wishful run, a desperate sprint.

* * *

"Ah…the snow is getting heavier." I muttered nonchalantly, to no one but myself.

Alone, abandoned, thrown away. Those words describe me perfectly, fit me like a glove.

I felt like a toy that belonged to a child, until the child got tired of me and threw me away, only to pick a better, brand new toy.

But, I knew that wasn't the case.

Hikki never chose me in the first place.

The very thought saddens me even more.

In a distance, albeit almost invisible due to the snow falling, Hikki picks up his pace, in order to chase Yukinon. Even with his dead fish eyes and unruly hair, Hikki does look like a knight in shining armour, rushing to save Yukinon. Ironically, despite telling me countless times that an airhead like me would fall if I run, Hikki almost stumbled himself in the slippery snow.

Hikki looks kinda funny, wobbling unsteadily.

I giggle slightly, and allow a little bit of glee to displace my upset emotions.

Although I feel glad that Hikki made his decision and cares about Yukinon, this sorrow and angst within me still grows uncontrollably. My friends' happiness, at my expense.

So this was how Hikki felt all the time.

Out of sight, out of mind. Or so they say. Hikki had long disappeared from my sights, but I still long for him. But I know, Hikki won't come back to me.

Hikki loves Yukinon. It was a simple fact, that I speculated from Day 1, and had the lurking suspicions of its realization after viewing their constant lover-like spat.

Despite being rejected, Hikki still called me his genuine friend… So, I can't help but root for him.

Mustering what little spiritual and mental strength I have left from my broken heart, I raised my hand and waved, sending Hikki off to Yukinon, while whispering a few words, like a prayer or chant.

"Good luck, Hikki…"

With each time I say that sentence, my voice became softer and weaker, as did these feelings of infatuation, admiration and unrequited love towards Hikki.

At some point, no more sound could be heard coming from me. Perhaps it was the snow muffling out my voice or maybe I truly do not have any words left to say.

Regardless, some peace, quiet and serenity was finally found. On the outside at least.

And finally did the outcome of today's revelation truly hit me.

The Volunteer Service Club would no longer be the same. Neither would Hikki, nor Yukinon. There was no longer a place where I belonged, where I treasured.

My everyday world, had shattered into smithereens, evaporated into nothing but memories.

I was all alone.

Despite the solitude, I wasn't too upset. In fact, I could still sing and hum.

 _Hello, Hello Alone._

But I wasn't too sure who I was saying hello to.

* * *

Unexpectedly, Yuigahama was a strong girl, yet also a nice girl, as expected.


	5. Chapter 5

Run, run. Cling onto that genuine thing that you hold so very dear.

Repeating these words in my thoughts, gave motivation and drive for me to keep running. In fact, despite running faster and for a longer duration than I ever had before, minimal fatigue and muscle burn gathered in my legs, I could barely feel any signs of slowing down or reaching my stamina limit.

Running, is often compared and synonymous to the term "Escaping". The act of averting one's attention from a problem, procrastinating in order to bring about the facade of an issue lying far away from the present, distancing oneself as far as possible from the truth. All because it seems unfathomably shocking, unbelievably surreal, impossibly unpleasant. Basically, the mentality of one who had already accepted defeat, handed itself to fate and refused to brave the tide to forge a new, brighter and better future.

But that's just a dogma, a common misconception.

Right now, my sprint wasn't to carry me away from an anomaly, in fact, I am charging headfirst into the core, barging into the centre and dissecting heart of the matter at hand, which coincidentally stems from the enigma of my heart - A human heart.

Would this measly action solve all my problems? Probably not. In fact, this was actually only a prelude to the bigger struggles ahead. However, there is a Chinese proverb that says a good beginning makes up half of success. And I genuinely feel that this was not only a good, but the right first step into achieving my desires.

My sprint slowed down into a jog, then gradually into a brisk walk, as I waltzed- wait, that's not right, entered the nearby train station. The train station, which was usually busy and buzzing with lively noises, seemed to have lost its feverish pitch and hype. To say it was deserted would be an overstatement, but seriously, it was getting so quiet, I was beginning to wonder if my eyes were playing tricks on me? Sure, they weren't worth much value from an aesthetic point of view due to them resembling ones of a dead fish, but they definitely served me fine in terms of functionality for as long as I could remember. Perhaps it was my brain that lacked oxygen from all that running before, but I wasn't even panting or wheezing.

Confused, I rubbed my eyes, once again questioning their ability. But as I opened, the scenery remained the same. Empty and lifeless. Well, almost.

Upon closer inspection, the reason finally presented itself to me. Looking at the electronic display boards, announcements as well as notifications could be heard and seen clearly.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, due to the increasingly heavy snow as well as blizzards being experienced in surrounding regions, multiple lines of railway services have been seized. Please, take note and ask for assistance from our staff if needed." A deep voice rang from the intercom, reaching its message to the very few people within the station.

A quick glance at the electronic board, and it spelled bad news. My bridge back home had been burned to ashes as that railway line had already been shut off. But right now, I had bigger problems to deal with, so it didn't affect me that much.

What was more worthy of noting, was that the line which Yukinoshita usually takes was closed too. For about half an hour by now. But all that drama before only occurred 15 minutes ago. Which means, she couldn't have left yet.

A part of me feels joy and relief as Yukinoshita hasn't left to a place beyond my reach, but another part feels worried as the blizzard now builds up, looking to consume and bury this place in snow.

Even though her name literally means under the snow, I hope Yukinoshita doesn't get swept under. Although the past Hikigaya Hachiman who just met her would no doubt rejoice and be filled with happiness at the very nuance of her death (Heck, I even wrote her name multiple times in my "To-Kill-List"), the present me regrets my past actions. To lose something so precious, after long searching and waiting for it, it would definitely suck and depress me deeply.

But still, the enemy of yesterday becoming the lover of today. Doesn't it sound a bit too cliche?

With a heart of mixed feelings, I now needed to brainstorm. If not the train station, where else would Yukinoshita be? Her home is out of the question, the reason being simply because, she couldn't possibly have made it to her faraway home in such a short time. Not to mention Yukinoshita's poor sense of direction, which will lead her to anywhere but home. But aside from these two places, I truly am out of ideas.

Perhaps, just maybe… She could have…

Like a light bulb suddenly coming alight, an idea popped up in my mind.

By putting myself in her shoes, I was able to view the situation from Yukinoshita's perspective. Being a figure who was intimidating and sometimes downright frightening to others who are not close to her, Yukinoshita's crying face, heartbroken condition, is definitely something she wouldn't relish shedding light upon for other people. Hence, everything had to be kept under wraps, in order to maintain her reputation, even though she never wanted this image of an unobtainable flower to be indoctrinated in others' minds to begin with. Going anywhere in the open was definitely going to jeopardize and pose a risk to it. The obvious solution, was to call for the Yukinoshita family limousine to pick her up at the aquarium.

It really wasn't that hard to deduce, in hindsight. But it took me such a long time to figure it out. Makes me once again question my relationship with Yukinoshita. How much do I actually know about her? How much am I truly acquainted with her? How much of her, is still a terrifying unknown to me?

There is still so much to Yukinoshita, for me to know, understand and make peace of knowing with. There is still a long way for me to burden her with a self-antagonizing, conceited, selfish desire.

Still a long way, from my, perhaps our, genuine thing.

Behind schedule and trying to make up for lost time, I once again started running, back to the ground zeroes of the splitting of the camaraderie of a trio.

* * *

A puff, a pant, a wheeze.

Definitely, the running was starting to take a toll on me. A cramping feeling and lactic acid started to accumulate at my legs, as my detour made me run what felt like a country mile. It seemed pretty weird, to have my trip to the train station hardly having any drawbacks on my physical condition, but the return trip draining almost all my stamina. Plus, I took a little break in between at the train station. Shouldn't I be rejuvenated and replenished? But the result was confusingly, the contrary. Although I do concede that I am nowhere near an athlete's level of fitness, the same distance at roughly the same speed, should be equally taxing on the body.

I was once again reminded of my identity. I am Hikigaya Hachiman, a cynic loner who condemns society. But was especially physically inapt.

But running and pushing myself to the limit, while desperately chasing someone else, does bring back memories. The Marathon, Miura's request, Hayato's brilliant physique completely outclassing mine. And to rub salt onto the wound, not only did I lose to him, but I ended up injuring myself.

The wound on my knee, a tiny scrape, disinfected by Yukinoshita… I guess it wasn't that bad after all, huh?

The sunset viewed from the infirmary. Yukinoshita's snark yet playful remarks about disinfecting a Hikigerm, my weird answer about Hayato not going to the sciences. And the climax of it all, our close encounter. Yukinoshita's snow white face, only centimetres away from my face, her breath on my lips and her then quivering lips, was met by my lack of experience and hesitance.

Nostalgia and memories, playing like a video clip on loop in my head, allowing me to fully relive the moment, yet regret it too.

If given a chance as such again, I would undoubtedly, lean forward and kiss Yukinoshita.

It is an antic of the past, but I can't help entertaining the notion of me doing it. I jokingly thought, maybe if I hurt myself again this time, a chance like that will appear? It does seem like a masochistic wish, but at this point it was a small price to pay for my desperation.

I chuckled as my monologue successfully distracted myself from the tiredness which plagued my legs for the past few minutes. Good job, legs! Now, just a little more.

As I continued to walk into the parking lot of the aquarium, I turned a corner and there she was.

Yukinoshita Yukino, the beauty under the snow, waiting with slightly redden eyes and cheeks at the junction in the distance. She stood at the corner, with small lumps of snow gathering on her light blue sweater and raven black hair. A view so mesmerizing, I probably would have just stood and stared if I had the luxury of time.

In between wheezes and huffs, I tried calling out to Yukinoshita, only to be proven unable to due to my unorganized breathing. Without a choice, I could only race next to her, hopefully before she leaves.

Yukinoshita turns the corner and behind the wall, once again disappearing from my sights. An irrational fear of losing her, a phobia of letting the genuine thing which I had been playing chase with all evening slip away from my fingertips, suddenly coursed through my body and gave me newfound confidence and motivation to pursue it.

Nearing the corner, I could hear the sounds of an engine running. A car door opening, then closing. The sound of Yukinoshita, leaving me behind in this cold, snowy, empty world.

Like a car changing into the highest gear and flattening its accelerator, I burst into a sprint, running at my top speed, hopefully as fast as a bullet. Even though, I knew it was impossible. I was running so uncontrollably fast and desperately, I don't think I would be able to stop on time, if Yukinoshita's limousine drove in this direction at high speed.

Absit omen.

I probably shouldn't have thought of that.

Approaching the corner, the rays from headlights belonging to a car beam onto the ashen ground. Worrying for my safety and almost certain of my dangerous fate in a few seconds, my face immediately turned pale too.

"Oh, fuc-"

Even before I could finish cursing, the black vehicle, despite its last ditch attempts at an emergency brake, plummeted me into the snow, knocking me out cold.

A loud crash, followed by impaired vision and gradually fading consciousness. Before the darkness could fully engulf my sights and put me out of commission, I managed to catch a glimpse of the limousine and recognize the tiny object at the very front of the bonnet. Still oblivious about what it's called, I felt a great sense of deja vu, before throwing in the towel and succumbing to the lurking darkness.

"Hikigaya-kun!" A loud voice emerged, piercing through my already blind senses.

That's Yukinoshita's voice.

"Hikigaya-kun, Hikigaya-kun…" Yukinoshita kept repeating deliriously. She sounded very unsightly and unruly. She sounded panicked too, and that sends a twisted warm sensation to run amok in my body that was lying on the cold, hard ground. A few drops of warm fluids, also landed on my face, presumably tears from Yukinoshita.

Such a shame. I ran quite a distance so I could confess my feelings to Yukinoshita, only to get run over. Now I can't even say anything to her, not to mention I made her cry twice today.

The last time I was run over by this very car, I felt like cursing them all to death.

But this time, it felt like a recreation of that situation, but different at the same time.

Jamais vu.

This time, I hope you can hear the words in my heart.

I love you, Yukino.

This sensation of car crash is nostalgic, yet new, as expected.


	6. Chapter 6

So damn bright.

Even though blinding was the more comprehensive word, it was no exaggeration, by any stretch. Despite my still blurry and cloudy vision, I could definitely tell that there was a light source shining directly into my room. Wait, did I leave the lights on before I went to bed?

As I slowly yet reluctantly attempted to crawl out of the warm embrace of my bed, something felt amiss when I gradually opened more of my eyes.

White ceiling, white walls, white bed sheets. Not to mention, warm rays of sunlight gently caressing my face while illuminating the room accompanied by the harmonious symphonies and chirping of birds. This place definitely had the lively vibe of spring as well as the serenity of Heaven.

Speaking of which, how did I end up in such an elegant place?

As I painstakingly looked around this mysteriously welcoming place, my brain was going into overdrive, trying to jog my memory and perhaps come to understand and deduce the process which led to my current…predicament? Though I could hardly feel any trouble or unease building up.

Images flash within my mind. Ferris wheel, sunset, snow. Yuigahama, Yukinoshita, me. Strong, nice, selfish. But most vitally,

Sprinting, car crash, black out.

…

Wait, am I dead? Is this Heaven? Also, if yes, how did I, Hikigaya Hachiman, a society hating, peace destructing, friendship tearing hell spawn make it to God's boulevard? A wee bit irrelevant, but wasn't it winter when I passed out?

With so many inquiries running amok within my train of thought, I, true to my character, decided to start looking for answers… five minutes later.

I've already made it to Heaven, right? Surely, I deserve a tiny break.

As I plopped my head back onto the pillow and adjusted my surprisingly fatigued and sore body to look for a comfy spot, I turned my head to the right and saw it out of pure coincidence and accident.

A woman, who seemed like a teenager, perhaps somewhere around my age, dressed with black long sleeves, was lying her head on the bed, next to my pillow.

By now, most of my senses had fully returned and I took a closer look at this mysterious yet familiar individual next to me as well as the current situation.

A steady and rhythmic series of beeps could be heard, presumably from a electrocardiogram, also an intravenous pack being hung from a height and connected to my right hand which was perfectly concealed below the comfortable blanket.

Ah, so I'm in a hospital. Looks like I survived that horrible and terrifying encounter after all. But seriously though, I have a dark past and poor track record with the Yukinoshita family limousine; 2 visits to the hospital rooting from its appearance. That said, it doesn't look like I have any broken bones, so maybe it wasn't as bad as before.

With a somewhat vague conclusion found, I now shifted my attention to the female resting beside me.

I couldn't really see much from this angle. No skin was exposed or at least visible from here, let alone a facial recognition. But there were a few traits that were noticeable, such as raven black long hair, and a stray lock of hair (ahoge) which had been smoothed out.

Hmm, if memory serves, Yukinoshita did have these traits, although her stray hair was combed neatly most of the time.

Then, Yukinoshita… is that you?

Hurting myself did bring Yukinoshita and I closer together, as crazy and masochistic as it sounds. Despite not knowing exactly how I landed here, I felt grateful that Yukinoshita somehow managed to appear before me once more, even though death seemed like a looming prospect after passing out. I couldn't help but crack a smile and let a tiny giggle slip out of me.

Going through all the pain and struggles, the fire and flames, to miraculously reach here, made me wonder, maybe my youth romantic comedy wasn't as bad or wrong?

With mixed feelings consisting of mostly relief and overwhelming excitement, I called out gently and softly to the sleeping beauty.

Wait, just how many times have I flattered Yukinoshita, even in my monologues? Am I really that love-struck? Have I really become a youthful, irrational, emotional and normal teenager that I swore to despise and destroy? That would seem like the case, but I digress.

"Hey, Yukino...shita" Despite falling quite obviously head over heels in love with her, proper formalities were still a must, considering Yukinoshita's family status. Furthermore, she hasn't officially recognized me as a friend yet, although her actions identify me as something more than just a regular friend. How tragic, yet contradicting. Perhaps this is one of her Tsundere charms that drew me to Yukinoshita.

A wriggle followed by a soft, but audible groan could be observed in her direction. Quite unsightly, coming from a princess raised from a posh family. Judging from her wealth alone, it would be no surprise if she perhaps literally grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth. But what followed was what truly put me in a spin and shocked me.

"Ugh, just shut up and let me sleep in for another five minutes, Onii-chan!"

Not only out of character, but rude and unruly. But I was not going to judge or criticize, I learned my lesson; expecting anything from anyone is just of poor taste and pretentious.

Wait, did Yukinoshita just call me _Onii-chan_?!

I felt my breathing rate and heartbeat rate rise exponentially. As much as I denied and disliked being called a sis-con, there was something enchanting about being called Onii-chan. It was a trademark of sibling intimacy, a unique trait of the Japanese language, a feat which most other languages fail to replicate. The euphoric sensation that burst throughout my body like an electrical surge, was unbearable and uncontrollable, to the point where I think I may just pass out again. To be called Onii-chan was wonderful on its own, but for Yukinoshita to call me that… Maybe I am dead and this is Heaven?! I wouldn't be surprised at this point, if my intravenous fluid was Maxx Coffee, with all the outrageous phenomena hence far.

Evident from this bit of heated inner rant and twisted rampage, I might be a little creepy after all.

Fighting valiantly to retake control of my mind and calm my thoughts at the sudden revelation, I choked a little and cleared my throat, as if not believing my ears. Trying my hardest not to grin while holding in a blush, I once again called out to her, to confirm the previous words spoken, as it seemed almost too good to be true. Not to mention, it seemed natural and rational to doubt the happening of such a… godsend.

"I didn't quite catch that. Could you repeat?"

"I told you, to leave me alone for 5 more minutes. Wait… Onii-chan?"

That did it. If I had already reached the breaking point before, this time was surely the trigger. Despite the questioning tone Yukinoshita ended the sentence with, it was nonetheless graceful and nosebleed inducing. Hold it in, Hachiman. Don't breathe too heavily, you will look ugly and downright perverted, stop.

It seems that catalyzed some sort of response from Yukinoshita too. A bit more movement could be seen, then she suddenly jolted awake, jerked backwards on her seat and stared intently at me with lost eyes. She looked like she had seen a ghost.

Those black pupils seemed dilated and spelled surprise, a pleasant one, I hope.

Wait, black pupils? Didn't Yukinoshita have blue eyes? I know contact lenses were a tool to modify one's appearance, but she just didn't give of the vibe of a person that would actually use it. Also, has she been spending too much time under the sun? That's quite a tan, and a stark contrast from the last time I saw you.

Albeit the changes so far which kinda did stray away from the moniker of Ice Princess, there was one improvement which I definitely was fond of. Yukinoshita, did you stuff balloons under your clothes? Last time I checked, the alphabetical order doesn't go from A to D. Also, unless you get plastic surgery, a change like that is biologically impossible to occur overnight! I know its use here is incorrect, but you surely did make a mountain out of a molehill. But then again, a more prominent bust never hurt anyone.

"Onii-chan… you're awake?"

Game, set, match. They say third time's the charm, and surely, that was the case here. I was ready to be knocked out, anytime now. The electrocardiogram beeped even faster than before, ringing and echoing throughout the room, a manifestation of my present emotions.

Mustering all my strength to hold a straight face, I answered, "I think so. This doesn't feel like a dream."

But still, I was starting to question her identity now. With each passing second, Yukinoshita resembled more and more of someone else. Someone whom I know, someone close and important to me, that I really shouldn't forget.

"Thank God. It's a miracle!" The Yukinoshita potential impostor muttered, before charging out the door.

Well, she was quick to leave me.

Now left all alone with only the sound of the spinning ceiling fan as somewhat a source of distraction, I had achieve some sort of peace. Being alone feels great, I must admit, though I hope that's not just my loner reflex having a relapse. Reorganizing my thoughts that were thrown into a messy stupor due to my prior…surge in interest, I needed to play detective and crack down on this new case.

Who is this female, if not Yukinoshita?

After a short period of brainstorming, a murky and blurry image is formed in my mind. A little girl, who matches most of the characteristics and traits of the individual who just left. Though, some of these appearances have uh… been enhanced. Despite connecting most of the dots and a plethora of evidence and memories pointing in her direction, something still didn't add up; the age gap. Such stark contrast, yet so many similarities, truly a form of double-think in the modern day. But surely the truth will prevail displace the other alternative. In the meantime, let's try labeling her, I'll name her "Ko…"

Hold on. What was her name again? Crap, did I suffer from amnesia or memory loss? Why can't I remember it fully? Sure I was involved in a gruesome accident, but my recollection abilities shouldn't have deteriorated, since I still recognize Yukinoshita. I know the face, but only the first syllable of her name. Was it Kochima? Kojima? I can't tell true from false at this point. Maybe I'll ask her later? Definitely doesn't hurt to inquire, after all it is only a moment's shame to ask, but an eternity's ignorance not to.

With this investigation put on hold, I was once again left idle. At this point, sleeping totally out of the question, so I tried getting up and perhaps test out my post-accident body, to see for myself my current state of health. As I tried to push myself up into a sitting position from my present sleeping stance, a sharp pain was felt along my arms and torso. It felt like a lack of strength, an inability to perform even such menial and basic tasks. Trying again, I practiced more caution and finesse when handling and gauging my physical limit, but still ultimately failed.

What the heck? I am well aware that I am nowhere near an athlete's level of fitness, but surely this was an exaggeration. It almost feels like my whole body was just fluid or brittle gelatin. Frustrated, I wanted to curse and scream aloud to vent out my pent up angst, only to be intervened by the reentry of the barely convincing Yukinoshita doppelganger and the debut of a doctor standing next to her.

The doctor glanced at me with eyes of astonishment and slight disbelief, before muttering, "This is unbelievable!" She then proceeded to walk beside me, checking at some apparatus and machinery which I probably would have understood had I paid enough attention in school.

"Brainwaves active, breathing and heartbeat rate varying. He's undoubtedly awake and conscious. Still, to think that if he hadn't, he wouldn't ever again after today. Such impeccable timing!"

Wouldn't ever again? What does that mean? Was I going to die, or as medically dubbed, expire today? Well, in that case, I surely am glad I made it back on time.

But still, why did she know I was going to die? Was my life ever in danger? No broken bones or visible scars anywhere to be seen or felt, however. Sensing an amiss unknown, I fruitlessly tried to sit up again, while letting out a short and confused, "Huh?"

Seeing my struggle, the doctor quickly tried to hold me back down, also explaining "Whoa, slow down there, mister. You may be awake mentally and physiotherapy may have helped slightly, but your body isn't as fit as a fiddle. Push yourself too hard to move, and you might permanently damage your muscles. No point waking up from a coma if you become disabled again."

Listening to the doctor's advice, I lied back down at peace and rested, so as to not inflict any more harm onto myself than I already have.

Wait… What did she say? Coma? I was comatose? From a car crash? What on earth happened here?

Losing my grip on reality and understanding of my surroundings, I frantically asked, "Coma? Who, doctor?" I had a seeping suspicion of the answer, but I hoped with all my heart to not have them confirmed.

As if suddenly realizing something, the doctor blinked and said, "Ah, that's right. How silly of me."

She stood up and strode next to the Yukinoshita wannabe, then taking a long, hard sigh and started breaking down the circumstances for me. "Mr. Hikigaya, this is Ms. Hikigaya Komachi. She has been your guardian for these past 5 years, succeeding your parents' 4 year long guardianship. Komachi here is also your sister, but you do remember that fact, right?"

Just like experiencing an epiphany as well as having all the dots in my head connected, I could finally fully recognize Komachi, my cute, yet annoying sister. So she grew out her hair, and became quite the well-endowed woman. She surely has grown into quite a fine lass, a graceful lady, judging from appearance. But still, to mistake you for my love interest, one wrong step and incest might have ensued. And to protect my reputation of not being a sis-con, I refuse to entertain the idea any further.

But Komachi definitely grew up fast, it's like she skipped a few years ahead, which seems fishy unless she had a time traveling machine. And why was she my guardian? Komachi isn't even eighteen yet, she legally, can't do that. There's a hole in logic here too, just what the hell is going on?

"I'll cut to the chase, Mr. Hikigaya. Today was your scheduled day for your… euthansia, in order to donate your organs, as per agreed by Ms. Komachi here. Well, that was the case until you woke up from your slumber."

Komachi, how could you? This is absurd. You agreed to letting me die for someone else's sake? That might give me a tragic hero reputation, but still, that's super low on Komachi points!

That aside, just how long was I out? Because from the looks of it, it doesn't seem like just a mere day or week. As if reading my mind, the doctor continues.

"Don't be mad at her, however. It is the hospital's protocol, to encourage such a proceeding for cases such as yours, Mr. Hikigaya."

Komachi looked down at her shoes, averting her eyes from me, avoiding eye contact with me. Lucky Komachi, the doctor here is covering for you, so you dodged a bullet and alluded my wrath this time.

"I need to tell you something. Please listen, and try not to panic," The doctor gingerly continued, this time hoarding a pinch of hesitance in her voice.

"You've been a coma for quite some time now. Yes, yes, I know. You'd like to know how long."

There it is again. The word. Coma. Reality, as unbelievable as it seemed, started to settle within me. But right now, more bad news was to follow, and I definitely wanted to brace myself for impact.

The doctor walked up next to me again, before breaking the news to me.

"I'm afraid it's been… 9 years."

…

Just what the fuck happened on that snowy day?


	7. Chapter 7

Chatter. Nonchalant, menial conversations and pointless, aimless, small talk filled the air, creating a lively atmosphere. An active and sociable one, a friendly vibe. Definitely not my cup of tea, in fact, this…facade of pretending to care and give a damn about one another irks and irritates me, not to mention awakened me from my slumber.

God damn youthful fools, arousing my anger. Yup, that undoubtedly sounded like a line a grumpy old man or the Grinch would say, just to ruin everyone's fun.

But that aside, where am I? I don't recall a hospital ward being so noisy…

I opened my sleepy dead fish eyes, barely keeping them ajar. With my head lowered and my vision slightly shrouded by my unkempt bangs, I could see shoes, black slacks and the dusty floor tiles I was standing on. Hmm, those white shoes with green crosses by the sides do seem to ring a bell…

I slowly lifted my head to observe my surroundings more carefully. Students, high schoolers walking in pairs, trios and groups, chatting gleefully and enjoying their teenage years blissfully. I, however, stood- wait, no, slumped lazily against the wall next to a row of lockers, away from the social norm. Wait, did I fall asleep while lying on the uncomfortable and hard wall? Just how? And why? Why was I still here, when I could be snuggled up in bed asleep?

Wasn't I bedridden in the hospital after a coma too? How on earth did I end up here? The busiest corridor in Sobu high school of all places?

I have a brewing sense of deja vu, but this does feel a little different than my memories. It doesn't feel like just a flashback; it's too vivid, not to mention I'm actively narrating the situation within my monologue. It's a recollection, but it feels more than just repeating a track or history I've completed before. Perhaps it's a mental simulation, to a different potential at a crossroad of destiny?

I know I'm here waiting for Yuigahama to exit the classroom and catch up to me, before heading to the Volunteer Service Clubroom together. Maybe if I make a different decision than I did then, and left without her, perhaps I could break free from this illusion? That does seem like challenging fate, but I never believed in a higher power, to begin with.

As I mustered my strength to straighten my legs and essentially my stance in order to leave, I felt heavy and frozen. I was rooted to the spot, immobile. My feet seemed like they weighed a tonne, making barely, if any, movement. My chest was under extreme and grueling pressure too, pressing down hard onto my lungs, making me suffocate and breathless. It was almost as if my entire body was having muscular cramps.

What the hell? I'm reliving a past experience with knowledge from the relative future, but why do I not have control over anything?

In the heat of everything happening (Or rather, not happening), I thought endlessly and suffered, writhed, agonized greatly in this pain which was building up swiftly to an overwhelming extent. But still came up with a blank slate, an empty mind.

Darkness and a numb feeling then began to engulf and impair my vision as well as other senses, making me slowly but surely, blind, deaf and mute to everything. Ultimately, I was going to be indifferent to everything.

As I was about to lose consciousness and pass out, I could hear a loud thump and feel a strong, yet harmless impact to my right shoulder.

"Why'd you ditch me?"

And just like that, I somehow regained control over my body. Outrageous and illogical, I concede, but I was just glad I hadn't been knocked out cold.

This scene definitely feels familiar and nostalgic. Brings back memories, huh. I remember replying to Yuigahama, saying that I didn't ditch her, in fact I was waiting right here. None can deny, it's a fact that I said those words that day. But since this recollection feels… deviated, let's just try to create conflict within my thoughts and hopefully break free from this, by saying something different and completely irrelevant.

Let's say… Motherfuc- wait, too vulgar, will scare away Yuigahama. Try something silly and funny, maybe a stupid word like… Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? That sounds random and idiotic, perhaps she will fancy it.

Let's go. Supercalifr-

"I didn't. I'm waiting here."

That wasn't what I had in mind. How the…? Why did I say that when I was thinking of another word and reminding myself to not do exactly that? Have I only retaken my mind and perception, but not my body and actions?

Yuigahama paused for a second, then said with a blank expression, "Then that's alright, I guess?"

What's going on? Despite all my effort in resisting and urging myself from repeating history, it's all futile!

As I got up to accompany Yuigahama to the Volunteer Service Clubroom, suddenly everything froze. And colour gradually drained from everything in sight, turning into a black and white scenery. Then that sound could be heard.

A crack, like ones you hear from a fractured piece of porcelain or glass. Followed by another, and another, in accelerating succession. As if in sync, my monochrome view, also did the same, like a flooded dam cracking and falling apart under pressure. The cracking ensued relentlessly, until the point where the image before me no longer made any sense or was intelligible, like a jumbled jigsaw puzzle set. The cracking sound and sight then came to a halt, stopping instantaneously and abruptly.

I blinked, and everything shattered into a million pieces. Like shards of glass, falling gracefully, scattering everywhere. Behind it; its remains, are only a never ending darkness, a bottomless abyss. Truthfully, it was so frightful, I was scared for my life, thinking that I may have died in my sleep. But this was no dream, it was a nightmare, but the nightmarish sequence had only just begun.

Still trapped in perpetual darkness, I turned my head around aimlessly, but the view before seemed the same even if I faced another direction. Dull, bland, empty, stretching endlessly to the invisible horizons. Elon Musk once said that being afraid of the dark, the mere lack of photon particles is silly and downright childish, but right now, I can't help but be scared and irrational, to the extent where I might suffer from a panic attack.

Defeated and deprived of any hope or bravery, I decided to give up. I didn't seem feasible to try anything in this condition, I would just charge blindly into… nothing. With a mixture of feelings of fear, cowardice and despair, I just tried to cut off myself from my surroundings by covering my ears, closing my eyes and holding my breath, with a tiny prayer, hoping that this void which had engulfed me might vanish, or more precisely, for anything to appear before me.

No good, it wasn't working. As a long time loner, I have developed a society-hating and repulsive behaviour to almost everything and everyone. Often times, rooting from this personality, I have wished death and cursed countless people to die, as well as mentioning that I would rather die than do something. It all seemed like a heartless joke or laughing matter at that point of time, but now with the prospect of death looming large and uncertainty clouding my reality, I am painfully reminded of my fear of death.

As fear began to gradually overwhelm me, I could feel my sanity and rational mindset slipping away from my grip. I became foolish and lost control over myself as the accumulative feeling of helplessness pushes me past my limits, and I begin to break down and cry.

A tear gently rolled down my cheeks, I sobbed and wept. But instead of hearing my unruly coarse voice, I could only hear a soft voice, inhaling sharply between breaks, despite having my ears covered. The feminine sounding voice was audible when my own was muted. This is weird, something is amiss…

Slightly rejuvenated upon the possibility that someone else might share my current predicament and peril, I turned around, towards the direction of the pitiful voice. And finally, I receive my break from this mind-bending abyss and insanity inducing silence. In the distance, a tiny glimmer of light can be seen, which apparently was the source of the mysterious voice whose owner is still unknown. After all, it is hard to tell someone's voice apart, purely from their sobbing.

As if meeting one's salvation or discovering an oasis in the middle of the desert, I slowly walked towards the light, with a sense of triumph, as if I had successfully prevailed through hardship. As I gradually approached the source, her voice became more audible and coherent. I could hear words and loosely arranged phrases, but still couldn't string together an intelligible sentence. Entertaining the notion that perhaps the voice was trying to reach out to me, I grew curious, and slowly increased the speed of my footsteps.

"Hik-… Wh-…Ditc…"

The words sounded clearer now and louder too, to the extent in which there were echoes ringing in my head, making it conversely, harder to recognize the voice. Despite not knowing the contents of the sentences, I could definitely sense and hear dread and desperation, as well as pain in that voice, almost as if it were begging and sending an SOS distress call to me. At the same time, it felt familiar in a way.

This time, rather than curiosity, I felt urgency to rush towards this nostalgic voice, and perhaps provide assistance or at least ease her sorrows. My brisk walk, turned into jog, and suddenly into a full-fledged sprint when I heard the words,

"Hikki…"

It's Yuigahama! What is she doing here? And why? As I continued to run towards her, the tiny dot of light began to become bigger, as if I was exiting a tunnel, away from this light and life forsaken darkness.

"Why did you ditch me, Hikki?"

"Again, why did you ditch me?"

I didn't. Both times, I waited for you, Yuigahama, by the corner of the corridor.

As I somehow finally managed to escape that seemingly infinite darkness and into…a familiar place, memories come flooding back to me as I recognized that place.

Snow, sunset, Ferris wheel. It's the aquarium again, the place the Volunteer Service Club lost it all. But something looked different. The place seemed to be destroyed, wrecked, like an avalanche had hit it. Prolonged blizzards, perhaps had created these massive lumps of snow, which had essentially raised the ground to a higher position than before. One spot in particular, had the tallest pile of snow, which almost looked like a grave, burying something precious beneath it. The grave-esque pile also had crows? No, ravens, gawking and circling over it, as if there was roadkill there. Did something die here? As an expression, I know the Volunteer Service Club did 'die' here, but still… I had a lurking suspicion, that I prayed was not true.

If memory serves, Yuigahama didn't move, even as I left her in the blizzard on that day.

Don't tell me… It can't be.

Yuigahama's voice, which had previously gone abruptly silent, could be heard again, but it was slightly muffled this time and had a chilling vibe, every time I heard it. And eerily enough, it originated from that raven friendly pile of snow.

"No way. No, no no…" These words slipped out of my mouth and were repeated deliriously by me, as I once again was thrown into disarray by my negative and fear mongering imagination. I hysterically and lifelessly walked towards it, like a zombie, who was reluctant to find out about the truth which I had anticipated by now.

I knelt atop the snow grave powerlessly as my mind was tortured by my imagination, which I had hoped was merely that. My psyche stood on extremely thin ice, threatening to break anytime, and ultimately fall apart. As my tears which carried my dire emotions drip onto the cold, hard snow, my hands gingerly pushed layers after layers of snow aside, hoping to completely dig up the pile of snow, without finding anyone inside.

"Hikki, why did you leave me…"

The voice ringing in my head belonged to Yuigahama, but it was coming from beneath the snow (Yukinoshita). But I hoped to not find either of them within it. Oh, God. Please, just give me snow. Snow and nothing more. But my prayers to no one in particular, fell upon deaf ears and were not answered, as I finally saw it. My worst nightmare.

They say, seeing is believing. But right now, even as I saw it, I didn't wish to believe it.

Coral pink hair. A smiling and deathly pale face with closed eyes, which had traces of frozen tears running down her cheeks. Her corpse was perfectly preserved, frozen under her sub zero grave, unscathed and just like 9 years ago.

I felt a gust of cold wind hit me from behind, as I suddenly seized up and gradually lost consciousness, fainting to the side of her.

Just before blacking out, I could hear Yuigahama complete her sentence,

"...to die?"

* * *

Here lies my genuine friend, Yuigahama Yui, dead and gone.


	8. Chapter 8

Why has this happened?

 _Yuigahama…_

How could I have let this happen? Why am I so powerless? I didn't manage to save anyone, be it Yukinoshita, Yuigahama or even myself.

 _Don't die on me, Yuigahama…_

Why was I so selfish? I put myself, my own needs and the genuine thing which only I sought after, above everyone else' needs and well-being. I thought illogically with my heart and not rationally with my brain, which caused this aftermath that benefited not a single soul.

 _I'm so sorry, Yuigahama…_

I couldn't get my feelings to Yukinoshita, which would have liberated both her and I from a world of pain and frustration. I could neither redeem Yuigahama's sacrifice nor protect her. In the end, I only burdened and hurt everyone around me. I'm a parasite, a troublemaker, a harbinger of doom.

This clusterfuck of a disaster, is my fault, which costed my genuine friend's life.

 _YUI_ -

* * *

Like a diver who was deprived of oxygen and had finally reached the surface, I jolted awake from my bed and gasped desperately for air.

My sudden awakening was greeted by a poorly lit room, shining a dim green hue, accompanied by rapid beeps from the electrocardiogram, signifying my intense heart rate and my state of unrest. I was back in my sick ward, no longer in that grim snow land.

I had returned to reality, no longer tortured by my hallucinations. Then, that means…

A dream? Yuigahama's death… was only a nightmare and an awful work of my dark imagination?

In that case, Yuigahama is still alive and well, right? A sense of relief displaced some of the angst and fear within my soul, but after what I saw in my nightmare, anything could have happened in the duration of my 9-year sleep. So, I can't say for sure.

For Yuigahama's sake, as well as mine, I hope I have no psychic foretelling abilities.

My eyes are open, and I'm awake now. However, the fact that I had been asleep for 9 years, effectively wasting my youth, still hasn't sat well with me and alluded my comprehension. Not to mention, this phantom pain and hallucinations which have haunted me relentlessly. Somehow, I feel that these nightmares, are still here to stay…

Eventually, my panicked emotions and adrenaline started to fade away as I began to calm down. As my pulse and heartbeat rate had stabilized, I turned my head to get a good look at my surroundings, trying to notice any changes in scenery. But alas, it had been fruitless. The ward, which seemed lifeless, apart from myself being inside it, remained the same as it was last time.

Sighing, I lowered my head, how boring and monotonous. In stories, drama and gossip often followed after a massive reveal, so I couldn't help but secretly hope for at least something to happen after waking up from a 9-year slumber. Where are my friends? Why have they not visited me, after so long? Surely, someone must have been worried sick about me, apart from my kin?

…

Oh wait, I just remembered; I have no friends. Social-hating shut-in Hikigaya Hachiman, that was me.

Whatever, who needs friends anyway. Usually, being the lazy introvert that I am, I would immediately hit the sack and return to dreamland at idle moments such as these. After all, we are the ideal manifestations of ourselves in our dreams and imaginations. I concede, building castles in the air, retreating into one's dreams is a form of escapism and cowardice, but sleeping never hurt anyone. But sleeping for me was out of the question, after seeing that… horrendous sight. As a matter of fact, sleeping or resting, was the last thing I had on my agenda currently.

At this rate, the boredom will kill me anyway, even though I survived that car crash with the Yukinoshita limousine. No point waking up after 9 years if that happens.

With nothing better to do, I laid back down onto my bed and adjusted myself to a comfy position. Not to sleep, but if I were to do nothing, I'd at least want to be comfortable.

Slowly and sluggishly turning to my left, a silhouette of a tall, bottle like structure could be seen vaguely on the nightstand. The poor illumination coming from the other side of the room could only reveal a shadow of it, but if memory serves, this unknown object, was not here the last time. And this, piqued my interest and tickled my fancy so very much, considering the stale and depressing present.

As I reached out my hand to touch it, I hear the sound of glass clinking and feel a chilling sensation tingling my fingertips. Suddenly, as if they were acting as a trigger, I saw a flashback.

Cracking glass, cold snow, dead friend. Yuigahama.

Like a reflex, I quickly pulled my hand away from the mysterious object, which irrationally posed a threat to me. All it took was one nightmare, and a conditioned response was instilled in my mind. I was frightened and horrified by it, the unknown object. The unknown, is terrifying and most people opt for ignoring and adverting their eyes from it, albeit the lurking suspicion of it being a danger. Out of sight, out of mind; once neglected, problems as well as issues seem so far away and unconcerned. Hence, ignorance is bliss; but a risky bliss, or perhaps a blissful risk?

Murphy's law states that, whatever that can go wrong, will go wrong. Being the long time cynic as well as an avid believer of this adage, it has more or less become a life motto which encompasses most of my actions in life. That's why at this moment, I choose to forsake the easy path, to abandon my comfort zone; to challenge my well-being and writhe, struggle, agonize to fulfill the genuine thing which shall dissolve the unknown and effectively, my fears.

That was an unnecessarily convoluted analogy for my train of thought for a response in this situation, but in short, I won't run away from my phobias anymore.

Despite initially flinching away, I calmed down and mustered up the courage to grasp and shed light to the unknown. Due to my previous contact, the object now wobbled unsteadily, hinting to topple over any moment now. As it tilted past its centre of mass and started falling over, I took a deep breath and swiftly grabbed it before it crashed and shattered onto the ground, despite half of my body telling me to run as far away as possible from it.

The cold appeared again, like a frostbite cutting into my bones, bringing forth unpleasant visions that numb my thoughts, Instead of actually paralyzing my fingers with ice cold temperature, the object couldn't be any colder than just a few degrees below room temperature. It was not my senses which were blinded, but my interpretation and understanding that had been impaired and turned indifferent.

Painstakingly, I lifted and brought the object closer to me, effectively revealing its identity.

A dusty and slightly cracked glass vase, enshrined with two stalks of flowers.

White and pale, ashen yet pure, were the words I chose to describe the Star of Bethlehem. It symbolized chastity and royalty, as well as transparency, like a fine diamond. A flower that was blank, that held no lies or malice.

Next to it, a pink orchid. Radiating with brilliance, fusing the colours of spring with the melody of life. It was an embodiment bravery, courage and strength. A wildflower, that blossoms, even in the harshest of environments.

Beautiful and breathtaking, but still imperfect.

Petals from the white flower had begun to fall, withering ever so slightly, wailing frailly. The pink orchid on the other hand, had burned past its peak of youth, approaching its zenith. It struggled to barely stand upright, once again signifying its poor condition.

If they were to be compared to the leaves on a tree, they would be the leaves in late autumn; crimson red hue, swaying lifelessly to the rhythm of the wind.

Somehow, these flowers remind me of a certain two people.

Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. Wilting, shriveling up, dying.

The thought just didn't sit well with me. I wanted to help them, protect them. Even if they were just plants, I couldn't just sit and watch.

Frantically, I stood up and brought myself next to the pitcher on the nightstand. Carefully, I filled up the vase with water, hoping to rejuvenate the flowers.

Once satisfied, I placed the vase and pitcher down on the nightstand, then sat back down on my bed, observing the vase closely and attentively and caring for the flowers, like a child who just saved a stray animal.

It never crossed my mind, that flowers could be so pretty. In terms of literature, flowers have been the most fitting expression for feminine beauty for many centuries, be it Shakespearean or Renaissance era. I've been locking myself up in my own negative thoughts and loathing, and I never spared a moment to look around me, to stop and smell the roses. I had never noticed the beautiful little matters, the finer things in life.

I had neglected and hurt the two most important things in my life, busying myself with my search for the genuine thing.

But that all will change for the better starting today, starting with these flowers which represented our Volunteer Service Club; Yukinoshita was the Star of Bethlehem, Yuigahama was the pink orchid, and I was the glass vase. After all, I have found my answer to the genuine thing, which in hindsight, seems more like a question rather than an answer.

Everything was going to be fine… Right?

My train of thought was abruptly interrupted by the sound of glass cracking, just like in my nightmare before. Looking up, I saw the glass vase experiencing immense pressure, cracking and leaking out water. Until finally…

A loud screech and clank, and the glass vase broke into a thousand shards, scattered messily on the nightstand and cold hard floor. The flowers laid motionlessly on the pile of water which was now dripping like a waterfall. Sporting a slightly red shade due to pigments from the orchid, the water in turn dyed the Star of Bethlehem red.

It didn't feel like a lively red, but rather an eerie, dark, bloody hue of red.

They had shattered apart, much alike the Volunteer Service Club. Much like Hikigaya Hachiman, the vase couldn't keep the two things closest to it together.

The harder it tried to do so, the greater they were hurt. Until finally, the vase broke.

Panicked, I fruitlessly tried to piece the glass back together and fix the current mess.

 _I futilely tried to repair the Volunteer Service Club back to the way it was._

Despite my efforts, all I got in return were multiple cuts on my hand.

 _All I got was pain, agony and suffering._

Demoralized, I chose to distance myself from the problem.

 _I ran away._

* * *

 _Why can't I ever do something right? Am I not allowed to? Am I so powerless?_

I thought to myself in despair as I walked aimlessly, in the seemingly endless hospital corridor. Door after door, ward after ward. All these ill people, all this suffering and disease; they seem infinite.

 _Where can I find a little sanctuary and a break from this endless pain?_

Suddenly, a massive urge to throw up, as well as a cramping sensation ran amok throughout my entire body. I could feel as if my consciousness and life was slowly fading away from my body.

 _What is going on…?_

Sensing a need for medical attention, I limped back in the direction of my ward, while embracing my own body which was aching all over and felt like exploding at any moment. Despite being in grave danger myself, in my head, all I could think of were Yuigahama and Yukinoshita. I pondered over the safety of the duo, instead of my own. I wondered where and what Yuigahama and Yukinoshita were doing now.

If this were to be my death, then my only wish was to meet Yukinoshita, one last time.

As I approached my ward, I held the door handle and looked up to see the sign:

Ward number 80-000.

This was it. If my situation persists, my ward might just become my deathbed. I had no choice but to accept death with open arms, if that were the case, even though my life was one full of regret.

But hey, nobody chooses when to go. And I was no exception.

Braving myself for death itself, I slid open the door. But to my surprise, I wasn't greeted by my dimly lit ward, instead a bright and warm ray of sunlight temporarily blinded my sight.

As my eyes slowly adjusted themselves to the drastic change in brightness, I began to get a clearer picture of this place.

An old, defunct classroom, with a long table accompanied by three chairs as the centrepiece, a basic tea set placed by the window and an unfazed Yukinoshita reading.

This is… The Volunteer Service Clubroom.

Why am I here…?


	9. Chapter 9

The curtains were flapping, rays of sunlight gently illuminating the room, the warm wind slowly caressing my face.

This feels all too familiar, nostalgic and homely.

This was the place where I belonged. No, not just me- where Yuigahama, Yukinoshita and I were drawn into each others' lives, the crossroad of fate, where we found value in our mundane everyday world.

The Volunteer Service Clubroom of Sobu High.

It hasn't changed a bit since I was last here. Serene and calming as usual, as it always was.

The Volunteer Service Clubroom, which had already seemingly been broken, looks the same to me, despite the amount of time which had already passed.

I looked down onto myself. My hands which have previously been cut by shards of broken glass, now no longer harbour scars or pain. I was no longer wearing a hospital gown too, instead I donned my old high school uniform.

Is this…? Have I gone back in time? Is this another dream? Another nightmare?

I'm hallucinating again, right?

Images of Yuigahama's lifeless look in snow once again flash within my thoughts, making me wince. Death seems like a bigger threat than ever, feels like it's lurking just by the corner, ready to take my life anytime.

Ah, I see. So I am going to die soon, and this is… my life flashing before my eyes? Then, my wish of seeing Yukinoshita one last time, has been granted?

Heh, lucky me. Actually, wait, my life has always been plagued by misfortunes and bad luck, not to mention it's gonna end soon, so maybe this much of compensation doesn't really make me lucky, it just about breaks even. Perhaps I'm finally being treated fairly, perhaps there is a just and fair God or whatever divine and almighty power staring down and taking care of us.

Cheers to you, Gods of Romantic Comedies. For answering my prayers and granting my wish, even though I'm dying. Whatever. Just enjoy this little moment while it lasts.

"Yo." I greeted Yukinoshita informally per usual, expecting her to reply as well.

However, Yukinoshita fell silent and didn't even look at me. Was whatever she was reading that interesting? Or did she finally decide to ignore and avert her eyes from my existence? I doubt she would do the latter, considering how we have bonded, but regardless, this entire setting was frankly, quite outrageous and… out of routine.

Well, I was expecting a reply or at least, a sly and slightly insulting remark being thrown at me, but Yukinoshita didn't. Our relationship and interactions did come to an impasse, stalled and was just a…mundane routine. Hello, goodbye, see you tomorrow; rinse-and-repeat. It desperately needed some change, but still, subtle change in this form of indifference…just seems like imprudence and being impolite.

Since this is the last time I meet Yukinoshita, I might as well just forgive her and let it slide I guess. Don't want to end things on a sour note, although truth be told, I loved those little squabbles we have. I never had many people around me, let alone acquaintances or friends to talk to me. So even though any normal person would break down and cry at Yukinoshita's razor sharp tongue and toxic criticism, I personally found her nagging heart-warming and fulfilling…It was like to have someone to always look after you, care for you and scold you at times.

I really am hopelessly twisted now, aren't I?

Digressing that thought, I casually walked towards my chair where I usually sat, carefully savouring each step and every moment. Sitting down, I instinctively tried to pull out my novels from my bag, only to then realise that I had come empty handed.

Well, crap. My final moments in life, and I'm supposed to do absolutely nothing in it, and let it pass boringly. My usual reading materials are absent and Yukinoshita seems unresponsive.

 _This sucks._

I lamented internally as I plopped my head onto the table between Yukinoshita and I. I knew this situation was too good to be true. There had to be a catch, and this is it; boredom.

Despite the complaints, I wasn't about to give up that easily as I had thought up of an idea to at least somewhat make killing my final moments (and effectively ending my life) a little more interesting. Perhaps I could borrow a book from Yukinoshita?

With my head still laid on the table, I turned towards Yukinoshita.

"Hey, can I borrow a book, Yukino-"

I stopped my sentence midway and left it hanging, as I was distracted by Yukinoshita's posture.

Yukinoshita was reading as usual, but instead of placing her book on her lap, she brought closer to her this time, covering her face. The book in her hand, was only plain, snow white on the outside too, with no illustrations or colour. In fact, it looked more like a picture book…?

That's…out of the ordinary?

"Yukinoshita, what's that you're reading?" I asked her, sating my curiosity.

Again, no response. What's happened to you, Yukinoshita? You usually talk to me non-stop, why not now?

"Are you alright? Are you mad at me?" I asked again, sensing the aura of anomaly surrounding this entire happening, while walking over in her direction.

And finally, I heard Yukinoshita say something, very softly, almost inaudible, as if she was speaking to herself.

"Yui…"

 _Yui?_

Yukinoshita has never addressed Yuigahama by her first name, this is strange.

"Hachiman…"

What? My first name too? What's going on?

"Yukinoshita? What's wrong?" I asked her for the third time, this time walking slightly faster towards her.

I see Yukinoshita trembling violently and her voice wavering before hearing her question.

"Why… did you both leave me, to suffer alone?"

On the page opened in her book, pictures of us; Yuigahama, me and Yukinoshita were visible, including that photo taken in Destinyland.

Yukinoshita's drops of tears land on the photos, staining them slightly.

"I didn't leave you, Yukinoshita. I'm right here, see-" I said to her while wanting to hold her by the shoulders. But instead, my arms just went right through her.

What? Why can't I touch her? Am I a ghost?

I looked at Yukinoshita's face. Looking at her bloodshot blue eyes which were overflowing with tears and her skin which was had a ghastly tone of white. Her expression etched with pain and agony, solitude and loneliness. She longed for something; had it momentarily and then lost it as quickly.

You really are suffering, Yukinoshita. And I can't save you now, even if I tried.

Again, I am powerless.

"Hachiman…"

Useless trash, piece of scum who couldn't protect a single soul; not even the one I love most.

"You can't save me this time…"

I should really just die.

"Because you're already dead."


End file.
